What Compassion is Not

In raising the energy of compassion and loving kindness, it is equally important to have an understanding of what compassion is and contrasting this what it is not. This post offers serious food for thought in understanding what we have taken to mean compassion is not and how to remedy our non compassionate behaviours. Compassion when it is offered is empowering whereas the opposite can be said for behaviours that are codependent and enabling entitlement.

What is not compassion for ourselves...

1. Seeking sympathy from others because of your own suffering and encountering judgement from others. What you are really looking for is someone to listen objectively and for you to be heard. What is needed is for you to ask for suggested steps that you can take to alleviate your own suffering.

2. Codependency which is a dysfunctional relationship and an unhealthy attachment to someone else where you are holding them responsible to meet your emotional needs and in its extreme to the point where it is detrimental to everyone's well-being. Again, your ask is for understanding and empathy, without expecting others to sacrifice their needs to meet yours.

3 . Expecting someone to support your ongoing negative or destructive behaviours or actions continues a cycle of negative enabling behaviours that cause additional suffering for you and those that you are enmeshing in your drama. Taking personal responsibility to break these patterns means asking for support to make positive changes in your life from people who you know will not take responsibility for you and your choices.

4. How many of us seek to be rescued by someone else taking on the responsibility of solving your problems deferring the role we need to play for ourselves to feel whole to others? This reduces us to being the victim. Self Compassion involves recognising this pattern without judgement, being kind and gentle with you and breaking free from the need to be rescued. This is the foundation upon which personal agency is built by creating your own solutions.

5. Holding on to the erroneous belief that Compassion is weak. In fact quite the opposite is true - it is the bedrock of your gentle power. It requires strength and courage to face your own suffering.

6. A very common contributor to a lack of Self Compassion is not knowing what your boundaries are - where you start and stop and another starts and stops; where you have them, not stating them; allowing others to impose their beliefs or values on you, or allowing them to cross your boundaries without your consent. Self Compassion involves respecting your own and others boundaries of others, asking for and offering help in a way that is supportive and respectful.

7. Compassion involves caring for others, but not at the expense of yourself and your own well-being or putting yourself in harm's way. Being the martyr is not only self serving, it robs you and others of taking responsibility for yourselves. Practice self-care and set healthy boundaries to maintain your own well-being while serving others. And then there is the misguided manner in which we think we are serving others with Compassion when we are not.

For more on the Gift of Compassion follow this link and to gain a deeper understanding of what Compassion is - here is another post for you.

Should you wish to explore The Gift of Compassion as an active practice, there is a workbook for download at https://angelagailjames.com/tools-accessories